It’s obvious what word I wanted to write here instead of “screw.” It’s a word that I can use a lot, but not necessarily in conversation. I try to be mindful with when I use the F-bomb. Mostly, I realized, I use it with myself.
A few months ago, I decided to get off flour and sugar. I’m not a big sweets gal (although I love a little dark chocolate every day), but I can be a pizza girl, and cheeseburger girl, and I like my toast with eggs.
The real reason why I chose to do it was to lose weight. After a year of settling in with my beloved and feeding a 6-year old kid, I got a little too comfortable eating junk that I would never eat solo.
I learned about how sugar and flour deregulates our hormones and give us too much insulin that makes taking weight off very difficult. It also causes inflammation. I could definitely feel the difference in my energy levels and vitality.
After making the decision to stop, I would “be good” for a a few days but then find myself going to the cupboard to grab some goldfish or a kids’ Z-Bar or sneaking a piece of Amy’s frozen cheese pizza from my soon-to-be-step-son.
I had to ask myself what I was thinking when I found myself at the cupboard, blowing the goals I had set for myself.
When I paid attention, the thought playing in my head was a loud and booming, “Screw it!”
I wondered where that thought originated. And then I remembered myself as a rebellious teenager. At 48, I was surprised to see that she was still alive and kicking within me.
I really wanted to get the weight off, but after a month, the scale had only dropped a few pounds. My screw-its were adding up—even if I thought a bite of ice cream, or a handful (or two) of French fries wouldn’t matter.
I realized that “screw-it” was a form of apathy, slipping me into a default mode because I was unconsciously thinking that my goals were optional. By saying “screw-it,” I believed I didn’t really have to create the life I wanted for myself.
My apathy caused me to believe that making a major change and taking full committed action with 100% discipline wasn’t that important. I could play it safe and stay secure without putting myself on the line to accomplish what I desired, which was to be thin and light and vibrant and radiate with energy.
When I became conscious of how often I was saying “screw-it,” I became aware that this was the greatest form of self-neglect possible—a total lack of concern.
So I realized then that I didn’t want to cheat anymore. I wanted to care about my future more than I could enjoy any present screw-it slip up. I wanted to hold myself with the highest regard, to truly care for myself, and to feel my most empowered and healthiest self.
So today, I’m curious, are there any places where apathy is affecting your life? Are you aware of a certain goal you want to accomplish but resist it with your own kind of “screw-it?”
Usually, I am the kind of person who follows through on her promises to others. I was amazed at how I wasn’t fulfilling the promises I made to myself.
Here I am a month off of the foods I knew don’t serve me. What helped me make this massive change? I dedicated myself to being the the person I truly wanted to be. My future self became my focus.
Wishing you determination, self-love and discipline to achieve your dreams!